A little while back one of my yoga students said to me, “Agni you’re really getting skinny! You can really see the changes yoga has made for your body.”
I am not going to address the content of that comment (because I don’t have to) but I want to say this:
Voicing observations on people’s body size and weight is inappropriate and almost always causes harm.
Please refrain from doing it. Full stop.
I am not saying you are a bad person if you’ve done this in the past, but I am still asking you to stop.
Now, I do understand that for many, complimenting weight loss seems like a good thing. In fact we’ve been culturally indoctrinated to believe weight loss is always a positive change, and that a weight loss compliment is kind of an ultimate compliment.
In the internet age especially, by pursuing weight loss **and posting about it**, one is sure to receive praise and social validation.
So if up until this time you’ve thought it was a harmless or even empowering thing – to compliment weight loss – you’re not a bad person. It’s literally how you were raised (culturally and probably within your family as well) and it’s behavior that is still all-too common.
I get it.
And I have personal experience!
I grew up in a family of women who were always dieting (whatever name they called it) and men who made sure to praise thin women and carefully compliment women who “kept their figure”. With one exception (my father), I never saw anyone in my family meaningfully speak out against fatphobia.
I’m so glad my father (a tall, thin cisgender white man) spoke out against this sort of thing because sometimes I think without his example, I would have fallen prey to diet culture in a catastrophic way.
Let that be a lesson to you:
When you resist fatphobia and diet culture, you could very well be throwing someone a lifeline!
***
But back to the issue at hand:
Complimenting weight loss is reductive, shallow, and harmful to fat people or anyone else struggling with body image (which is like… a LOT of people).
If you truly care for the health and wellbeing of all – you’ll learn to give different compliments.
Here are some things you can say instead, just off the top of my head:
“It’s so good to see you!”
“You light up a room!”
“Can I just say – this is my favorite yoga class and I’m so glad to be here!”
“How are you?” (Then – really listen to the response)
“You are ICONIC.”
“You always make me laugh.”
“You have the most beautiful spirit! I want to be just like you when I grow up!”
“I learn so much from you!”
“I love your authenticity.”
“You are such a positive influence in my life.”
“I appreciate that you are here.”
“You make me smile!”
“I feel safe around you.”
“I see the hard work you do. It matters!”
“When I woke up and realized I’d get to see you today, I got so happy!”
“I really appreciate you.”
These compliments are usually wonderful to hear – swap them out for your weight loss observances and you’ll be golden!
***
One final note:
“But if my friend / family member has worked hard to reduce their weight, isn’t it rude to ignore their weight loss?”
Of course we want to be loving and affirming to people who are working towards a goal! However when you compliment weight loss you have no real way of knowing if you’re complimenting the results of an eating disorder or attendant unhealthy behavior or condition. Best to stick with the compliments above.
If your friend or family member brings up their weight loss in hopes of a compliment, you can usually offer a neutral comment (or no comment at all). If they have lost weight in what they are calling a health journey, and they seem eager to discuss health benefits, let them.
In the many years since I’ve stopped complimenting weight loss I haven’t had a hard time being present for people and either moving the conversation on to less harmful topics, or simply changing the subject.
When you refuse to buy into diet culture and fatphobia, you are helping to make the world a better, healthier, and safer place!
***
Here are a few posts I find helpful on the topic.
Reader, if you notice these links are broken – please do reach out and let me know so I can fix them.
“Top Eight Reasons Why I Won’t Comment on your Weight Loss” by Silver Linings Psychotherapy
“Why You Shouldn’t Praise Weight Loss” by Dr. Elaine Daniels
“How to Respond to Weight Loss ‘Compliments’ + Body Shaming in Yoga and Fitness” at funkyforest.com.au
Thank you for reading!
